“Manure Happens”
The title is from a sign that caught my attention as I rode my bike past a farm. Unlike the farmer, most people can take solace in not needing to deal with its literal meaning. The symbolic meaning, of course, is the hard part. In this article, I use the “striving for control” concept[1] to throw light our response to difficult times.
When we suffer a blow to our personal world — job loss, serious illness, breakup, death of someone close, natural disaster — grief typically follows. The grief process has been described in various ways, but the basic Kübler-Ross description includes the following five phases:
Denial -> Anger -> Bargaining -> Depression -> Acceptance
Suppose we are currently experiencing life as a quiescent existence — we deal with life’s little issues as they arise without too much strain. With our arms around today’s problems and contingency plans for the future, we likely see ourselves as having nominal control over our lives. Sometimes, though, life throws us a curve ball. What happens to our sense of control when we experience a significant personal blow?
Answer: When our accustomed manner of living is upended, our sense of control plunges and our gaze turns to what once was. Consider the following diagram:
Initially, we deny reality because it rudely tells us our world has changed and our prior sense of control over it was a mirage. We think the information must be wrong, or perhaps we’re having a bad dream. Usually, though, we’re soon obligated to acknowledge reality. If we disregard truth for too long, we risk further loss of control.
In the next phase, we direct anger at whatever or whoever we see as the cause of our problem. Anger is our rapid response mode for trying to regain control. If a person is involved, perhaps we can force them to provide a remedy or compensation, or maybe we just want them to pay a price. Venting our anger may not always be the most productive use of our energy, but it does serve to assert our point of view, to let the world know that we are not to be ignored.
While anger may remain, we also try other means to reclaim control. We become more transactional, bargaining for access to any path that may yield a benefit. Unless one is an adamant atheist, prayers for help are likely involved.
When we have done what we can, but our world remains broken, what’s next? The blow that threw our sense of control over a cliff has also removed the significance and joy from the little things we previously did to maintain our existence. Applying effort seems a waste, and is a waste if we are trying to scale that vertical cliff to reclaim a past that is gone. As we begin to realize we cannot return to our old situation and its associated sense of control — but are not yet ready to turn and look toward the future — depression becomes our home. It is a time for our psyche to reset, for us to get accustomed to the new world in which we live.
The transition from depression to acceptance requires us to pull our gaze away from the rearview mirror and look forward. Only then can we begin taking the small steps needed to rebuild our sense of control and tune it to our new existence.
The striving for control concept provides an understanding of the grief process. While we typically associate that process with significant setbacks in life, it also applies to minor issues. If our sports team loses, we forget about a cake in the oven, or we miss our intended highway exit, we go through a mini version of the same process. Our sense of control takes a slight dip as we look back on what went wrong. Still, we soon look forward again and take the steps needed to regain control — we turn our focus to the next game or season, grab a new cake mix, or follow Google’s revised directions.
[1] In brief, the basic idea is that our striving for control underlies everything we do. Reference: Why We Do the Things We Do, P. Meernik, Medium, 6/20/2024.
P.S. President Biden, since his June 25th debate, provides an interesting and very public case study of someone striving for control after a major blow.
